| thirty-nine. |
[25 Dec 2004|11:01am] |
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1. Time you started: 1102am.
2. Name: amy.
3. Nicknames: amelina, amelia, grogie, cheerful.
4. Birthdate: january 26.
5. Age: 21.
6. School:
7. Grade:
8. Eye Color: green.
9. Hair Color: black with blonde roots.
10. Height: 5'4.
11. Weight: fat.
12. Religion: agnostic.
13. Nationality: mutt.
14. Sex: female.
15. What town were u born in?: columbus.
16. What town do u live in now?: columbus.
17. How many brothers/sisters do u have?: 5 half sisters and a stepbrother.
18. Names: adam, cassandra, brittany, kelsey, victoria, and gabrielle.
19. Ages: 20, 17, 15, 12, 8, and 6.
20. Which is your favorite?: cassandra is the only one i really see.
21. Who's your least favorite?: adam is a jackass.
22. Parents Name: connie is the only one i consider a parent.
23. Ages: 44.
24. Married/Separated: going through her third divorce.
25. Do u get along with them?: yes.
26. Which of your friends parents would u like to have?: i'm quite happy with my mom.
27. Best friend(s): adam, stephen, melissa, jamie, NORI ;).
28. Close friends: see above, there's no difference between "best" and "close" to me.
29. What do u and your best friend(s) have in common?: well, that depends on which friend it is.
30. What makes u best friends?: love & trust.
31. What kind of stuff do u do when u hang out with your friends?: movies, talking, partying, whatever.
32. Which of your friends do u hang out the most with? adam.
33. Most trustworthy: they're all trustworthy.
34. Funniest: out of the ones i listed? adam.
35. Nicest: adam is too nice.
36. Craziest: stephen.
37. Dumbest: none of them are dumb.
38. Best smile: melissa.
39. Best eyes: adam.
40. Horniest: adam, definitely.
41. Best dresser: stephen.
42. Who have u known the longest?: out of the ones i listed? melissa.
43. Which of your friends do u talk on the phone with?: adam, stephen, and melissa.
44. Who do u talk on the phone with the most?: adam.
45. Name 3 people u dislike the most out of anybody: summer is about the only person i seriously dislike.
46. Why do u dislike them?: because she is a manipulative bitch.
47. Were u friendz before?: no.
48. Do u have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes.
49. If so, how long have u been with them?: 2 months.
50. Do u like anyone?:
51. How long have u liked them?:
52. (this applies to both 48 nd 51) Have u done anything with them?: yes.
53. Whats the most you'd do with them?: we've fucked.
54. You ever have sex wit them?: yes.
55. Are they the type you'd fall in love with?: yes.
56. Are u too young to fall in love?: no.
57. Do u think u'll ever go out with who u like?:
58. Have u gone out with them in the past?:
59. What do they look like?: adam's about 5'10, chubby *swoon*, bluish eyes, blondish brown hair *that he needs to spike*, glasses. yum.
60. Are they attractive?: yep.
61. What kind of guy do u look for?: a funny, intelligent one.
62. Do u have a certain type of guys u go for?: i used to only date older black guys. adam is neither older nor black. so no, i guess not anymore.
63. What hair color do u like the most on guys: it doesn't matter.
64. Boxers/Briefs/Boxer Briefs: boxers are sexy.
65. Eyes: any color.
66. Long/Short/Medium hair length: short/medium. long enough to spike.
67. Tall/Short: taller than me.
68. What kind of sports do u like guys to play?: i prefer non-sporty guys.
69. Color: bright ones, black.
70. Food: chinese & itallian.
71. Music Genre: i listen to all music.
72. Solo Artist: courtney love.
73. Band: hole, the white stripes.
74. Musical Group:
75. Number: 9.
76. Movie: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, spun, raising victor vargas, elephant, american beauty, ghostworld, empire records, clerks, office space.
77. Actor: richard gere, jim carrey, kevin spacey.
78. Actress: brittany murphy, thora birch, mena suvari, scarlet johanssen.
79. Letter: Q.
80. Swear Word: fuck.
81. Word: whatever.
82. State: florida.
83. Country: america.
84. Time of day: midnight-6am.
85. Day of week: saturday.
86. Month of the year: may & october.
87. Season: spring & fall.
88. Shape: heart.
89. Song: at the moment it's "drop it like it's hot" by snoop dogg.
90. Fruit: i love all fruits.
91. Vegetables: carrots.
92. Ice Cream: ben & jerry's brownie batter.
93. Junk food: chocolate anything.
94. Reality Show: big brother.
95. Show: king of queens, the oc.
96. Celebrity: paris hilton rocks my socks.
97. Milk/Water: water.
98. Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate.
99. Rap/RnB: rap.
100. Punk Rock/Emo: emo.
101. Pop/Rock: rock.
102. Nsync/BSB: bsb.
103. Simple Plan/Good Charlotte: simple plan.
104. Avril Lavigne/Fefe Dobson: fefe dobson.
105. Jessica/Ashlee: ashlee.
106. Tupac/Biggie: tupac.
107. Britney/Christina: christina.
108. Dark/Light: dark.
109. Day/Night: night.
110. Pink/Baby-blue: pink.
111. Red/Blue: red.
112. Instant Messanger/Phone: im.
113. Email/Snail Mail: e-mail.
114. TV/Computer: computer.
115. Mall/Department Stores: mall.
116. AIM/MSN: aim.
117. Internet/Encyclopedia: internet.
118. Home/School: home.
119. Batman/Superman: superman.
120. Christmas/Halloween: christmas, except for this year.
121. Easter/Valentines Day: valentine's day.
122. Jay Leno/Conan O'brien: neither.
123. Drank Alcohol?: yes.
124. Gotten drunk?: yes.
125. Smoked a Cigarette?: yes.
126. Gotten High: yes.
127. Dyed your Hair: yes.
128. Had sex: yes.
129. Given Head: yes.
130. Given a handjob: yes.
131. Fingered anybody: yes.
132. Eaten somebody out: yes.
133. Touched the opposite sex body part?: yes.
134. Thought about suicide?: yes.
135. Hated yourself?: yes.
136. Liked someone older than you: yes.
137. Liked someone younger than you: yes.
138. Had surgery: no.
139. Danced in public: yes.
140. Sang in public: yes.
141. Worn a dress: yes.
142. Worn a suit: no.
143. Gotten in a physical fight: yes.
144. Made somebody cry: yes.
145. Said you loved someone and meant it?: yes.
146. Said you hated somebody and meant it?: no.
147. Talked to stuffed animals: yes.
148. Talked to urself: yes.
149. Driven a Car: yes.
150. Gotten in a car accident: yes.
151. Been in the hospital: yes.
l A s T 2 4 H o U r S
152. Have u cried?: no.
153. If so, what reason?:
154. Eaten: yes.
155. Showered: yes.
156. Hung out with friends: yes.
157. Listened to music: yes.
158. Done something you havent done in awhile: no.
159. Made someone cry: no.
160. Hurt somebody physically: no.
161. Hurt somebody emotionally: no.
162. Driven: no.
163. Talked to ur crush: yes.
164. Talked to ur best friend: yes.
165. Talked to ur enemies: -
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| thirty-eight. |
[24 Dec 2004|08:53pm] |
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bored. |
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something on tv. |
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Power Outages
So, this year, my mom was all about "trying to make Christmas special", since it is/was going to be our last Christmas all living together as a family. Didn't end up happening. Tons of snow and ice storms knocked out the power sometime between 1am and 8am on Thursday morning. Here it is almost 9pm on Christmas Eve, and the power still isn't back on. Our whole place is electric, which means there's no heat. My mom, Cassie, and Kadin have all been staying at my Gramma's house down the road. I stayed at Adam's last night. I'm staying at Stephen's tonight and possibly tomorrow night, and then it's off to Indiana for a week. I have to say, this Christmas is turning out way different than any Christmas I remember. We finally began putting up our [artificial] tree on Wednesday night, only to realize part of it was missing. No big dea, we thought, we'll deal with it tomorrow. Little did we know that we'd have no electricity. So, our tree is bare, half up, and leaning against a wall in our house, and we're all spending the holiday apart. It didn't feel like the "Holiday Season" all month, it sure as hell doesn't now, and I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. Bah humbug.
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| thirty-seven. |
[21 Dec 2004|09:31pm] |
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right, so this is looking back on the year 2004
january:
did you make any new years resolutions?: No, I never do because I never stick to them.
if you did, what were they?:
when did you give up on them?:
did any of your resolutions come true?:
anything else special that happened in january?: I turned 21.
february:
did you get a date for Valentine's Day?: No, I went alone to the Bowties Valentine's Day party.
does Valentine's Day annoy you because you can never get a date?: Kinda. I've never done anything really special for Valentine's Day.
anything else special for February?: My nephew was born on February 24.
march:
how was your spring break?: I don't have spring breaks anymore.
did you go anywhere for spring break?: Nope.
anything else special for march?: Not that I remember.
april:
how was your easter?: It was uneventful.
did you do an egg hunt?: No.
anything else for april?: Uhm. I finally ended my thirteen month long dryspell when it came to sex.
may:
did it start getting hot around may?: I don't remember. I guess so.
what happened for you?: Uhm. I went to Michigan?
june:
were you all happy cuz its summer?: Yes, I was.
if you go to school, did you run around screaming on the last day?:
did your summer holidays start in june?: I don't have summer holidays.
anything else in june?: I met LJ (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jamescoley) in person then.
july:
how was your 4th of july?: I think I went to the 4th of July party at Bowties, but I don't really remember.
get a good start of your holidays?: Sure, whatever.
what else happened for you in july?: Uh. My sister turned 17.
august:
were you sad because holidays ends?: Once again, I don't have holidays.
have an end-of-the-summer party?: No.
whine about back to school shopping?:
anything else for august?: I moved. I met Jason (we dated for about two months on and off).
september:
how was re-starting school for you?:
anything else for september?: I had the best motherfucking time of my life to date at the Bowties Birthday Bash in mid-September.
october:
what were you for Halloween?: I didn't dress up.
did you trick or treat for halloween?: No.
do you still trick or treat?: No.
when did you stop trick or treating?: High school.
anything else for october?: I lived with Stephen for the month. I met his son. Went to the BBW Halloween party. Broke up with Jason for good. Started dating Adam.
november:</u>
did you have a moment of silence?: No.
do anything for veterans day?: No.
anything else for november?: Not particularly. Spent a lot of time with Adam. Got asked to move in with Stephen, ended up declining in the end (obviously). Moved back in with my Mom.
december:</u>
got all excited for christmas?: I'm excited for it to be over.
what did you get for christmas, or whatever you celebrate?: I'm gettin' nothing.
started going crazy on the last day of school?:
do anything for new years?: I'll either be at the BBW NYE Bash, or in Indiana.
how long did you stay up on new years?: I'll be up all night either way.
anything else about christmas:: It's my nephew's first Christmas.
anything else about new years:: I'm hoping Steve and Christi come party with us. I'm hoping I have my ring by then, too.
anything else about december?: Uhm. Adam and I celebrated 2 months today?
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| thirty-six. |
[19 Dec 2004|01:23pm] |
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1. Name: Amy Michelle
2. AOL screen names: rotten x dollie, but I'm never on it. I prefer Yahoo. My sn on there is violence_and_lace.
3. Nicknames: Grogie, Amelia, Amelina, and Cheerful.
4. Name you want people to call you: Amy works.
5. Month of birth: January
6. Eye Colour: Green
7. Height: 5'4"
******Pick One*******
8. Black or blue: That depends on the shade of blue. Overall, black.
9. AOL or hotmail: Neither. I use Gmail and Yahoo.
10. Abercrombie or American Eagle: Neither
11. Shorts or skirts: Shorts
12. Smile or frown: Smile
13. Britney spears or Fred durst: Britney
14. Sketchers or Nike: Sketchers
15. Stuffed monkey or stuffed bear: Monkey
16. Brush or comb: Brush
17. N sync or s club 7: N Sync
18. MTV or Disney channel: MTV
19. Be in school forever or be in hell forever: School
20. Coming or going: Cumming
21. Singing or Reading: Singing
22. Ac or dc: ...
*******Questions*******
Do you own a blue skirt? No
Do you own a purple shirt? No
How long do you usually talk on the phone for? Usually around an hour
Do you bake? I wake n' bake....oh..that's not what you meant, is it?...wait...or maybe it is...haha.
Do you wear glasses/contacts? glasses, but I don't know where they are.
Do you have braces? no, but I need them
Do you have a computer in your room? no
Have you ever obsessed over an actor? yes. i'm a nerd.
Have you ever bought a CD and listening to only one song? your grammar is horrendous. yes.
Do you own smiley-faced earrings? no
Are you popular? i think i'm getting there
Do you have more than six friends? yes
Do you shower every day (don’t lie!)? yes
Do you read at least once a week? yes
Do you watch TV? yes
Are you allergic to anything? amoxicillen
************Faves*********
Perfume: april fields
TV show: the oc
MTV show: eh.
Disney show: eh.
WB show: one tree hill, i guess.
Cd: pink floyd's echoes
Song: i can't pick a favorite song.
Band: pink floyd
Colour: bright ones
Name: Brianna Grace [pronounced bree-on-uh]
Book: the lovely bones, tuesdays with morrie
Shampoo: suave anything
*******Random Questions*****
Do you like the goo goo dolls? yes
Are you a survivor? yes
*Do you watch the show survivor? yes
Do you like the destiny's child song survivor? it's okay
Do you get send to the principal's office a lot? i used to
Do you like buffy better than dark angel? yes
Do you have a crush on josh jackson? no
Do you still read kid's books? yes
Do you watch more than 3 hours of TV a night? rarely
Do you still watch the Disney channel? sometimes
Are you taking drivers Ed? no
Do you have your license? no
What was the last thing you bought? with my own money? who knows? with adam's? a jagerbomb or a jello shot.
Do you own a camera? no
What colour is your room? i don't have a room
Do you do good in science class? i didn't
Do you dye your hair? yes
What colour is your real hair? blonde
Do you tan easily? no
Can you wait until Summer? no
Are you counting down the days until summer? no
Who do you know with the weirdest name? maude
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| thirty-five. |
[19 Dec 2004|01:15pm] |
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Snow, Snow, Go Away
That just doesn't have the same ring as "Rain, rain, go away", does it? I hate the snow. It's everywhere, and it's cold, and damn it, I forgot to bring my tennis shoes with me for the weekend, so I am walking around in 18 degree weather and in the snow in my fucking flip-flops. But...that's okay. Yeah.
And A Partridge In A Pear Tree
So, last night's alcohol was: 3 Jagerbombs, 2 shots of Jose, a Bacardi O, 6-10 Jell-O shots, a Strawberry Dacquiri, and random drinks of Bacardi Green Apple, some other apple drink, and Jack Daniels. Needless to say, I was having a good motherfucking time. I met and hung out with starrchilde and her husband all night. I really enjoyed their company, it was nice to hang out with another couple, so I'm excited to get to chill with them again sometime. Believe it or not, I only had a minor hangover this morning. At least I didn't have a random threesome this time, haha. ;)
Christmas Time Is Coming
In spite of not having any money for gifts for anyone, and in spite of knowing I'm not getting anything this year, the Christmas spirit might actually be biting me in the ass. I'm kind of excited to probably put up the tree tonight, and all that happy stuff.
Indiana, Here I Come
I believe I forgot to mention my New Year's plans in here. I'm finally going to go to Indiana and spend some time with Melissa! This has been a few years in the making, so I'm really excited. Woohoo!
Okay, I believe that's all for now! ♥
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| thirty-four. |
[17 Dec 2004|03:17am] |
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Happy Birthday, Sweetie
So, I'm about three hours and eighteen minutes late on this, since I was with him all day yesterday, but Adam is finally [wink, wink] 21 years old. He's gettin' old! Happy Birthday, hun! I can't wait to corrupt your innocence this weekend, haha.
Games, Skyy Blue, & Too Much Spaghetti
Since today [yesterday technically] was Adam's birthday, we spent the day together at his house. Laid in bed [if ya know what I mean], played in the shower [if ya know what I mean], watched some TV, nothing spectacular, really. His mom gave him some cash for us to go out. We ended up going to Dave & Buster's. I'd never been there before, but it was actually a pretty cool place, and I can't wait to go back. I won a grand total of about 30 tickets. Yay. Go me. :P I ended up having a Skyy Blue [awesome drink] and getting a bit tipsy [I'm not technically supposed to mix alcohol with my Zoloft, but I do anyway]. After Dave & Buster's, Adam and I went to Tee Jayes for dinner. I ordered way too much spaghetti [and ended up sharing with my mommy].
The Doctor...Dun Dun Dun
So, it wasn't that bad, really. I found out that I wasn't too far off from falling asleep and being unable to be woken up [not dying, but not being able to be woken up until I'd had Synthroid back into my system]. My doctor gave me 8 weeks worth of samples of Synthroid and 6 weeks worth of samples of Zoloft to get me back on track while I get a medical card. I can definitely tell the difference in my emotions.
I Hate It When That Happens
I hate it when I know I have a ton more to say, but I can't seem to firmly grasp any of the thoughts to write about it. More later!
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| thirty-three. |
[13 Dec 2004|02:18am] |
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This number was a lot higher than I expected it to be. I can't decide if I'm disappointed or relieved.
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| thirty-two. |
[12 Dec 2004|04:49pm] |
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freaked out. |
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Sleepover
So, Adam finally got here around 1230 [I think] last night. So, not only is he a God in bed, but he's a God with electronics, too. He fixed my DVD player! Yaaaay! I feel so bad though. His American Beauty DVD was what was stuck in it, so now when I have a job, I'm going to have to buy him a new one. :( And, even after that, he was sweet enough to let me re-borrow Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yay for sweet boyfriends. So, anyway, we fixed the DVD player, made some Kool-Aid, played on the computer [more about that in a moment], and watched us some Spiderman 2. It was a good time. Not a single argument. Lots of cuddling. I love it when we have nights like that. ♥
Freaky Like Whoa
Okay, backtracking to the night before last. Around 430-500 am on Saturday morning, I was online talking to Adam, Melissa, and Jamie. I had the window about half-open because it was burning up in here. I started hearing this really vile, annoying scratching outside the window. After about 35 minutes, it wouldn't stop, and I didn't see anything no matter how hard I looked, so I thought nothing of it, closed the window, and finished online. Around 6am, I went to bed. Around 11am, my mom woke up. I was sleeping and I remember waking up to hear her saying something to the effect of "God damnit, they left the window open again!". Now, here's the thing. I closed the window. I am 100% positive I closed that window. How did it get open again? And, to top it all off, it had been open every night for weeks. We [my sister and I] assumed Mom was opening it, but she said we left it open again, meaning she thought we'd done it in the past. Freaky, right? Well, there's more. Adam, Cassie, and I were talking in the living room. Adam and I decided to come get online, and we were both already freaked out, but even more happened. We were sitting here and Adam says "Did you hear that?" Just as I was about to say no, we hear this LOUD scratching and thumping by the window. I swear, it sounded like something was crawling up the side of the house. I pushed Adam towards the door and said "GO!" because I was so incredibly freaked out, and we hightailed it out of the room. I keep hearing the scratching now and then. I know, realistically, the scratching is probably a wild animal stuck under the house...but taht still doesn't explain the window.
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| thirty-one. |
[11 Dec 2004|10:54pm] |
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The Usual
Name: Amy Michelle Grogan
Age: 21 years, 10 months, 2 weeks, 1 day
Birthdate: January 26, 1983
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Location: Columbus, Ohio area
Nickname: Amelina, Amelia, Grogie, Sweetie, Cheerful [sarcastically], fork [haha, Jess]
Hair Color: Black with Blonde roots
Eye Color: Green
Piercings: None :(
Tattoos: None :(
The Looks
Freckles: A few on my face, a few on my shoulders because I wear tank tops a lot.
Wavy/Straight/Curly Hair: It ranges from wavy to curly. Unfortunately, it's never straight [just like the rest of me].
Hair length: A little past my shoulders.
Color of nails: Chipped red right now
The Random
Do you press down hard when you write? Yes, it's the only way my handwriting looks halfway decent.
Whats on your keychain? I don't even own any keys.
School: None
Car: None
Have you ever worked for a resturaunt? Yes, Wendy's and Burger King
Do you have a pencil blister? No
Do you have those little white marks under your nails? I don't know, my nails are painted right now.
Do you have long/short nails? They're short because I've been really stressed out and bit them all off. I'm giong to try to grow some nails again over the next week.
What are you wearing right now? Black pants, pink and white panties, a pink tank top, a yellow hair tie, and red, white, and blue flip-flops
What time is it? 1059pm
Date: December 11, 2004
Do you have a lucky number? 9
Do you do drugs? I smoke pot sometimes.
Do you smoke? Only the pot.
Do you drink? Yes
Do you have a CD burner? No :(
Who do you hate? Nobody, actually.
Who hates you? I'm sure I have quite a few haters out there, but I don't really care.
How many buddies are on your buddy list? 26
How many are online right now? 9
Which ones are you talking to? None of them
What did you do yesterday? Slept, watched TV, went to the movies with Adam, talked on the phone to Melissa, Adam, and Tasha, talked online to Adam, Melissa, and Jamie
What did you do today? I cleaned all day, spent a bit of time online, Adam is coming over in awhile
What are you doing tomorrow? Watching a Christmas movie or two and sleeping
What are you doing this weekend? It is the weekend.
What did you do last weekend? I went to Bowties and went to a movie.
What are you gonna do when this is over? Clean the bathroom and call Adam
Relationships & Love
Are you currently in love? I love someone.
Have you ever been in love? IN? I don't know.
Your Crush: Adam. And of course I'm always gonna have a crush on Melissa.
First Kiss: Kindergarden-Matt Cheadle. That mattered? 6th Grade-Eddie, Liz's brother.
First Boyfriend/Girlfriend: That mattered? Eddie.
Is there anyone that you would date again? I'd date Melissa again. I think she's the only one worthy of a re-date. Save for Jamie, but I've never had anything majorly exclusive with her.
Do you believe in love at first sight? No
The Last
thing you ate: Rice and sausage.
thing you drank: Water
thing you said: Yeah
person you saw: Cassie
person who called you: Adam
person you called: Tasha
person you hugged: Kadin
person you kissed: Kadin [real kiss was Adam]
person to ride in your car: I don't have a car.
car you rode in other than your own: Adams
told you they loved you: Adam
movie you watched: The Bourne Supremacy
movie you saw in the theatre: Indiana Jones 3
person you gave the finger: Cassie
person who gave you the finger: Cassie
person you missed: Tori & Gabby
phone number called: 614-267-****
show watched on TV: The Family Guy
song heard: Lose My Breath by Destiny's Child
Numbers
Number of continents I have visited: 1
Number of boys I have kissed in my life: 30+
Number of boys I have french kissed: 30+
Number of girls I have kissed: Around 10
Number of girls I have french kissed: Around 10
Number of drugs taken illegally: A few
Number of people I would classify as "true, could trust with my life" type friends: 5
Number of piercings: 0
Number of tattoos: 0
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: A few
Number of scars on my body: A lot
Number of times a person has made me scared of what they could do to me physically: A few
Number of things in my past that I regret: 2
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| thirty. |
[11 Dec 2004|10:37pm] |
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Why I'm Scared He's Just Feeding Me Lines
Adam tells me all the same things that my exes [namely Rich, whom I thought I was going to be with forever] did. He tells me I'm beautiful, that I make him happy, that he's in love with me and wants to be with me forever. I want so badly to believe him, but if all men tell all of their significant others the same things, how are we supposed to believe them? I just came across Rich's yahoo profile. He has a message there to his new girlfriend, Megan. It reads: I have me the most beautiful, best woman in the world and I want to be with her forever. I love you Megan [paraphrased]. The only thing he changed about that message, which used to be to me, was the name. What, do you men have some sort of script you follow or something? Rich isn't the only ex to do it. Ben did. Drew did. Phil did. They all did. And that, my friends, is why I'm scared to believe that I'm any different to Adam than Jen, Jane, Hope, or any of his other exes.
On Another Note
I still have to clean the bathroom. I still have to straighten the hallway. I want and need to burn some candles before Adam gets here, but, of course, mom took every damn lighter and match in the whole fucking house. I'm so nervous about Adam coming here. Things aren't as nice as I'd like them to be for his first visit to my house. I'm petrified for some reason. I've never been so nervous to have someone over in my entire life. This is ridiculous. Someone knock some sense into me.
|
|
| twenty-nine. |
[11 Dec 2004|04:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
Because It's Easier To Copy & Paste
I decided to heed some advice, from people on LJ, and that I know in person, all of which have been engaged for a lengthy time, or married. This is what's happened so far. Hopefully, I am not breaking his heart. Hopefully, he's not mad. But I need to be honest now, not 10 months after a marriage.
breakherdown: Adam, I have to say something. It may hurt you a little, but I need to be 100% honest with you [and no, I didn't cheat again, and I'm not going to]
theatrdude: ok?
breakherdown: I do love you. But I'm not sure yet that I'm IN love with you. I know you are a special part of my life. I know I want you in my life, forever. But
breakherdown: I'm not sure if it's in a romantic/marriage way, or a friendship way. I need to figure that out. So, I feel you were right when you mentioned you
breakherdown: holding the ring for safekeeping. I don't feel it's right yet. I'm not sure it will be right ever. I just know I need to move a bit slower and see
breakherdown: where things go. I do love you, but I think we moved too fast, and I think it's going to be detrimental to our relationship to keep moving so fast.
How do you know if you don't want to be with someone, or you're just getting cold feet? How do you know if you're bi, or a lesbian? How do I figure this shit out without hurting him anymore than I already have? Fuck this life.
Survey
-------------------DESCRIBE--------------------
[x] The shoes you wore today: red, white, and blue flip-flops.
[x] Your eyes: green
[x] Your pet peeves: people who don't pull over for emergency vehicles
[x] Your fears: drowning, semi-trucks, spiders, clowns, dying alone [which i'm on a fast track to, it seems]
---------------------DO YOU---------------------
[x] Smoke: no
[x] Cuss: Yes
[x] Have a crush(es): yes
[x] Think you've been in love: no, not IN love. *sigh*
[x] Want to go to college: someday
[x] Want to get married: someday
[x] Type with your fingers on the right keys: yes, and 100wpm
[x] Believe in yourself: not really
[x] Believe in God: not really
[x] Get motion sickness: No
[x] Think you're attractive: sometimes
[x] Think you're a health freak: No
[x] Get along with your parents: with my mom
[x] Like thunderstorms: yes
[x] Play an instrument: yes
---------IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU---------
[x] Gone to the mall: yes
[x] Eaten sushi: no
[x] Dyed your hair: no
[x] Stolen anything: no
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER-----------------
[x] Missed school because it was raining: no
[x] Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
[x] Been caught "doing something": yes
[x] Liked playing monopoly: yes
[x] Been called a tease: yes
[x] Gotten beaten up: yes
[x] Been in a fight: yes
[x] Shoplifted: yes
------------------THE FUTURE-------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: i don't know anymore
[x] Numbers and Names of Children: see above
[x] Describe your Dream Wedding: and above
[x] How do you want to die: sleeping and old, or a bullet to the head if it has to be unnatural
[x] What country would you most like to visit: Italy or France
-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
[x] Best eye color: blue
[x] Best hair color: i don't care
[x] Short or long hair: long enough to spike
[x] Best height: taller than me
[x] Best first date location: whatever, really
[x] Best first kiss location: wherever
-------------------NUMBER OF-------------------
[x] Kisses you've given: too many
[x] Drugs taken illegally: a few
[x] People you could trust with your life: only my mom
[x] CDs you own: 10-15
[x] Piercings: none
[x] Tattoos: none
[x] Times your name has appeared in the newspaper: a few
[x] Scars on my body: quite a few
------------------FAVORITES--------------------
[x] Shampoo: suave green apple or milk & honey
[x] Color: bright ones
[x] Time of day: midnight to 6am
[x] Season: autumn & spring
[x] Food: ice cream, itallian, chinese
[x] Movies: american beauty, spun, eternal sunshine, etc.
[x] Sport: sex?
[x] Sports team: lesbians?
[x] Sports figure: ..... O.o
[x] Celebrity: thora birch, hands down.
[x] Band: love most of 'em
[x] Candy: chocolate mostly
[x] Pop: orange
[x] Holiday: christmas
-----------------RIGHT NOW-------------------
[x] Wearing: black pants, pink panties, grey sweatshirt, red, white, and blue flip-flops, yellow hair tie
[x] Drinking: mountain dew
[x] Thinking about: my sexuality, my relationship, cleaning, and tired.
[x] Listening to: nothing
------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS---------------
[x] Cried: no
[x] Worn jeans: yes
[x] Met someone new online: no
[x] Done laundry: yes
[x] Drove a car: no
[x] Talked on the phone: yes
--------------------FRIENDS--------------------
[x] Same sex: melissa, jamie, jess, lisa, tasha, cassie, mom
[x] Opposite sex: adam, stephen
[x] Loudest: tasha
[x] Quietest: stephen
[x] Sweetest: melissa and adam [tied lol]
[x] Best driver: tasha's gotten me in two accidents [haha], mom's the best probably because she's driven the longest.
[x] Worst driver: tasha ;)
[x] Smoke: three i know for sure, i don't know if tasha smokes or not.
[x] Do drugs: i smoke pot sometimes. one does something harder, i hope they've stopped for good.
[x] Drink: i know five do for sure. i'm not sure about melissa and jess. adam does occasionally. cassie doesn't.
[x] Hang out with the most: adam, definitely.
[x] Trust the most: melissa, cassie, mom, and adam.
[x] Tell everything to: mom and cassie.
[x] Lives closest: mom and cassie live in the same house. next closest is lisa, five minutes away...unless she's already moved to lancaster, and then the next closest is tasha.
[x] Lives furthest: melissa
[x] Is always online: adam, but he cheats because he has a mobile messenger thingy.
[x] Significant other: adam.
|
|
| twenty-eight. |
[10 Dec 2004|01:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
am i a lesbian...or not? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
Blah
I wish I could figure out what I want. I really care about Adam, and I do love him, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. I mean, when you're in love with someone, aren't you willing to accept their faults? I dont' feel I'm willing to accept some of his, but I don't want him to change hisself either, that would be fucked up to expect him to change things about himself just to make me happy, things that are obviously personailty traits, you know?
I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants this to work, really work. Part of me wants my freedom. I know we were dumb to have rushed things, we didn't really take a chance to date or get to know each other. But now he's in love with me, and says he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. A month ago, I was sure, so what's changed now? What's wrong with me?
You know, and I am 100% serious on this. Sometimes, I think I sabotage my relationships with males, because I wish they were female. It's no secret that I prefer women over men. I almost always end up with a male, though. I'll find myself looking at women and wishing I could go flirt with them and get to know them. Or I'll wish my boyfriend were a female. And in every single relationship I've ever been in with a male, I've had a girlfriend on the side [whom also usually had a boyfriend].
I have more to put here, but I'm going to censor myself for now, as all parties involved read this, and I don't want to fuck with anyone's emotions.
Edit
Pictures of me are located here. Also, for those of you that love me and want to get me something for Christmas [hey, a girl can dream lol], I'd love 2 months [5.00] or 6 months [15.00] of paid live-journalism. ;) ;) Kisses, cookies, and maybe even a little nookie to anyone that does it lmao.
|
|
| twenty-seven. |
[09 Dec 2004|02:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
Confused
I don't know what I want. Period. Maybe things are moving too fast. Maybe I'm just a chicken shit. I've been in relationships nonstop since I was 14. I'm scared I just don't know how to be alone. I'm scared. Petrified.
Melissa
You know how you get this intense feeling about someone, and you can't get them out of your mind? Well [and for those of you that know me, particularly Jamie and Jess, you know who Melissa is], I've been thinking about her for a few weeks now, wondering how she is, missing her. Tonight, on a whim, I decided to look at her profile. I noticed she was online, so I IM'd her. I fully expected her to tell me to get lost...instead, she told me she's been looking for me for two weeks. We've done this to [with?] each other in the past. It's weird how strong a connection can be, even when you haven't talked for months.
On Another Note
I did that with Paul, too. I thought about him all day today, thinking I needed to get ahold of him because we hadn't talked in awhile. I didn't go to the dinner tonight because I didn't feel good, and it turns out he was there. Damn for missed connections. :P
|
|
| twenty-six. |
[09 Dec 2004|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nostalgic. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Played the field, legally went to a bar, worked at a tech center, had a nephew [well, I didn't have him, but you know what I mean]
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't bother to make them, because I never stick to them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, my sister had a baby in February. Kelly had a baby in May. I had a few online friends give birth in September, October, and November. And my friend Brenda is due any day now.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Nobody extremely close. Annie passed away recently, as did Sonya.
5. What countries did you visit? Nada.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Money, a job, my own place, a driver's license, a car, and my independence.
7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 26 [turned 21], February 24 [Kadin born], May 2 [Donnie born], October 21 [met Adam]
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I really don't feel I achieved much this year. I didn't kill myself, I suppose that's a plus.
9. What was your biggest failure? I moved in August, October, and November. I'm once again living at home. I couldn't keep a job. I suck.
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? Ovarian cysts, kidney stones, and a two-week long cold from hell.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Alcohol? Uhhh....clothes?
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Cassie. She's been an amazing mother, much better than I expected.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own. I feel like I've fucked up everything.
14. Where did most of your money go? To things I didn't need [clothes and shoes I never wore, the bar, hotel rooms, movies, etc.]
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My birthday and my nephew.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? Let It Burn or Yeah by Usher
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? That's a hard question. This time last year, I had money for Christmas presents, I'd been in a relationship for a year, etc. This year, I have no money for Christmas. I do have a relationship with someone I do love, but I still feel as if the relationship is rocky.
ii. thinner or fatter? I'm probably at least 40lbs. thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Worked and tried to get a license.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? partying and worrying about relationships
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Probably here with Mom, Cassie, and Kadin. Maybe some time with Adam, Gramma, and Joe.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? Yes.
23. How many one-night stands? Two one-nighters, 3 people that I was with for sex, 1 that I really loved, but he finally came around about a week too late.
24. What was your favorite TV program? The OC
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Not really?
26. What was the best book you read? The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Joss Stone? I dunno.
28. What did you want and get? to party? good sex?
29. What did you want and not get? I was supposed to get married in June. I wanted financial stability. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be happy. I got none of it.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Thirteen, The Butterfly Effect, Spun [was that this year?]
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 21. I went to Bowties for the first time and got fucked up.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting my life together more.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Whatever I could afford taht wasn't too shabby looking.
34. What kept you sane? Partying and music.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Usher and Paris Hilton. I can't help it, they're hot.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage
37. Who did you miss? My grandpa, Melissa
38. Who was the best new person you met? Stephen and Adam, and all my chicas at Bowties
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Not everything is what it seems, and you have to work for what you want
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Restless tonight, cause I wasted the light.
|
|
| twenty-five. |
[07 Dec 2004|01:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence. |
] |
The Weekend
So, the weekend was okay. Saturday night, Adam and I went to Bowties. It was okay. We stayed for about three hours. It was a bit awkward for me, because Stephen was there too, but it was still fun. I danced...a lot. I was proud of myself, because I only had two drinks [a fruity drink special, and a shot of Jose], instead of getting piss-ass drunk, like I usually do [and intend to do for Christmas]. At 1130, Adam and I went to see a midnight showing of Indiana Jones. It wasn't my favorite thing, but I survived. We then got a motel room [after an argument about whether to do it or not]...
I Lied, Too
So, while I did have every right to be hurt by what Adam did with Jen, I cheated too, so I guess we're even. I know I hurt Adam so badly, and I am so sorry for that. We're still together, and he says he loves me and still wants to marry me, but I am so scared that he's going to leave. I know I made a mistake, and I'm not sure why things progressed with Stephen like they did that night, but I do know it is never going to happen again. I won't be spending time alone with Stephen anymore, period. I love Adam too much to risk the relationship.
Pissed Me Off
I just have to rant about this because it is my journal to do so in. I guess Adam talked to Jen tonight [which pissed me off in the first place, since he told me he wasn't going to anymore]. But apparently, she doesn't like that I've written about her in my journal. She fails to realize the keywords are MY JOURNAL. I can write about whatever I please. She says she has no interest in Adam anymore, but the fact that she reads my journal, and even talks to Adam about not liking what I say, proves she must have some sort of interest, otherwise, it wouldn't bug her, at least in my opinion. Bottom line, whenever I have anything to say about anyone in my life, whether that involvement is direct or indirect, I'm going to say it, whether they like it or not. They choose to read this, I don't force them to.
RIP Sonya
Someone that I was just getting to know as a friend from Bowties passed away tonight. Apparently, she had a seizure Saturday night, and was found Sunday morning at the hotel. She was revived and taken to the hospital so that her family could be called in to say goodbye. She was taken off of life support tonight. It is a sad, sad thing, and a definite wake-up call. Around 1030 on Saturday night, she and I were dancing up a storm at the bar. She didn't have a clue that just a few hours later, she'd be gone. You never know when someone is going to disappear from your life, or when your life is going to be taken from you, which is why I am so frustrated that Adam and I have argued so much lately. Neither of us know when our time is up, and I dont' want to spend the time we do have arguing about pathetic, unimportant things.
He Called
My dad called Stephen's house tonight. It turns out that he was out of town. I'm debating on whether to call him back or not. Maybe I'll just e-mail.
|
|
| twenty-four. |
[04 Dec 2004|11:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence. |
] |
New Journal
As you all can see, I nixed the "new journal" idea. I decided it wasn't worth the hassle. This is doing just fine for now, and should i ever get the urge to be more creative, I'll just make a second journal.
The Ring
No, I don't mean that scary movie with Naomi Watts {Side Note: The Ring 2 comes out this Spring.} Anyway, Adam and I picked out and bought a ring yesterday. It isn't technically an engagement ring, it's just a regular ring {a December birthstone ring, in fact}, but it was so gorgeous, and I fell in love with it. It's white gold, with the blue stone {in the shape of a small heart} in the middle, and two small diamond accents on either side. It had to be re-sized, though, so I won't actually get it for 2-4 weeks. Boohoo. I'll take pictures of it to post as soon as I have it.
|
|
| twenty-three. |
[03 Dec 2004|01:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
still hurt. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence. |
] |
Aunt Flow
It's been a shitty few days. I started my period, a real one, for the first time since the summer. I'm moody and depressed, and god damnit, I'm bleeding out my crotch and I don't like it. I hate periods, fucking hate them. It doesn't help that my mom and sister are both raggin' too, so we've been at each other's throats a few times since Wednesday. On the upside [financially], but downside [emotionally, for me at least], I'm not pregnant. No more unprotected sex. Stupid, stupid Amy. Stupid Adam, too though.
He Hurt Me
So, it turns out that Adam cheated on me when we first got together, with his ex, Jen. For those of you that don't know Jen, find the nice little anonymous notes she left back when I was confused between Stephen and Adam. I found out on Wednesday that he cheated. But he said he only kissed her, and then he pulled away. I cried, but I let it slide, since it happened the first week that we were official. But then last night he called me at like 300 am to let me know that he'd lied to me. Some sort of petting went on [but no kiss, he skipped straight to the naughty bits]. I hung up on him. I hate being lied to. That's what hurt me the most, the fact that he lied to me, looked me right in the eye and told me he didn't do anything but kiss her. She keeps bugging him. She needs to back off. We have a stronger relationship than she thinks. She's a grown-ass woman with a fiancee of her own, time to move on, dontcha think?
We Like To Party
So, tomorrow night is Ladie's Night at the bar, and I don't get to go I don't think, since I don't have a ride. I'm really depressed about it. I haven't gotten to go out and see anyone except for Adam [which is great, but I do need interaction with more than one person], for over a month. I seriously need to get out and dance, and maybe have a drink, but I don't think my mom's going to the bar, so I don't think I'm going to get to go.
Aww
So while I was at Stephen's house for like four days, I missed the beginning of Kadin's first tooth. It's so freaking cute, haha. I can't wait until I can have kids someday.
Daddy Wasn't There
I don't remember if I ever wrote about this or not, but the weekend before Thanksgiving, I called my dad and stepmom and left a message for him to call me, so that maybe we could meet up. I was willing to forgive [but not forget] the past, I wanted to try to have some sort of relationship with them. He never bothered to call back, though. I don't know if it's because he's busy with his jobs, or if he just doesn't give a shit, so I'm not sure if I'm going to call back or not.
The End
Well, this entry turned out to be a lot longer than what I expected it to be, so I guess I'll be ending it now. Wish me luck on finding a fucking job soon, otherwise everyone is getting a big, fat IOU for Christmas. :/
|
|
| twenty-two. |
[01 Dec 2004|03:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none. |
] |
Boycott Bush
As I was surfing LJ, I came across this link. The link is a page that all of the companies [and the products they supply] that support Bush. If you go to the link, it will show you how much they donated to him over the last 5 years. If you'd like to "Boycott Bush" and the companies that support him, please do not use those products.
Adam
I get to see him in six and a half more hours. I know I just saw him last night, but it seems like forever ago. For-freaking-ever ago. I can't believe I'm engaged. I have talked marriage in the past before, but never really been officially asked. And, I'm glad. It feels so special and so right with Adam. He sent me some pictures tonight, and since I thought one was particularly cute, I just had to ( share ).
Christmas Cards
I'm thinking of sending out Christmas cards, so if you want one, e-mail me your mailing address at breakherdown@gmail.com.
|
|
| twenty-one. |
[30 Nov 2004|12:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing. |
] |
[Spell your first name back wards]: Yma
[The story behind your LJ user name]: I needed something quick, and this is the name of Jessica's domain.
[Are you a homosexual?]: No, I'm a bisexual.
[Where do you live?]: Ashville, Ohio.
[4 words that sum you up]: I have to pee.
DESCRIBE YOUR
[Hairbrush]: I have one gold one [Conair], two green ones [Herbel Essences], and a white one [Suave].
[Jewelry worn daily]: None. My bangle broke. :(
[Pillow cover]: My pillow covers came off weeks ago to be washed, and I never managed to put them back on, but they're blue.
[Coffee cup]: I don't use coffee cups.
[Underwear]: Right now, I'm wearing pink and white cotton granny panties.
[Shoes]: Adam's dog ate my favorite pair [my blue platforms], so my new favorite pair is my red, white, and blue flip flops. I also have some sexy black platforms.
[Favorite shirt]: My grey sweatshirt.
[Favorite pants]: My jeans.
[Cologne/Perfume]: April Fields.
[CD in stereo right now]: A mix CD of slow love songs.
[Piercings]: none.
[What you are wearing now]: A grey sweatshirt, black pants, and pink and white panties.
[Hair]: Down.
[Makeup]: None.
[In my mouth]: My tongue and my teeth.
[In my head]: Nothing.
[Wishing]: That Adam and I were already married.
[After this]: Going to Adam's.
[Talking to]: Adam.
[Eating]: Nothing.
[Some of your favorite movies]: The Other Sister, Pay It Forward, Chicago, American Beauty, Spun
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: Marrying Adam, Getting a place with him.
[The last thing you ate?]: Chicken.
[Do you like candles]: Yes.
[Do you like incense]: Yes.
[Do you like the taste of blood]: Sometimes.
[Do you believe in love]: Yes.
[Do you believe in soul mates]: Yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: Yes.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Depends on who and what.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: A puppy.
[What are 3 states you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: California, Florida, and Texas.
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Uhm....?
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Amanda.
[What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow?]: Uhm. Sleep? Get started on my site?
[What do you want to be when you grow up?]: Who says I want to grow up?
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